The teenager
The mother
and the grandmother.
We have all had different experiences and different situations that have come up in our lives. We believe that it is important to value each other's thoughts and discuss the importance of everyone's beliefs. Let's be very clear though, we don't always agree. When we receive a question, we all sit and think about it. The rule is, we aren't allowed to share our answers with each other until each of us has completed our writing. We go our separate ways and write, or vlog. These are our honest answers, coming from our hearts.
Our first question came through my Instagram account:
'What advice would you give to someone struggling with the fear of coming "out of the closet"?'
The Teenager:
Hi Guys, It's Katie! So coming out of the closet, pretty scary! I have to, first of all, say, be who you are. Don't let anyone else decide who you are going to be. If you are part of the LGBTQ community and somebody tells you that's not true. Don't believe them, you are who you want to be, not what others want you to be. We love you and support you guys. Back to the question, the fear, I have always had a really open family and so we weren't afraid of sharing anything with each other. So when I came out and said I like girls, I got accepted with open arms. It was great, but you know it is kind of a little scary at first because what if they want me to be straight, what if this isn't accepted, or not okay. I don't know if you are afraid of telling someone, or what is going to happen after you tell them. So, really, I don't think you guys should be afraid. But, everyone has a different fear. If you have a family that is really religious and against this, I say, wait until you feel they are ready to hear this because you know your parents, friends, family, anybody else better than any of us. So you know when the time is right. If you don't know when the time is right? Think about when they are in a good mood. If they are family, they should accept you for who you are. That is just how my family works. I'll be your family and accept you for who you are. Just know you are loved, you know, even if you have that fear of coming out, it's okay everyone has that fear at some point. You'll learn to cope with your fear, and if you don't that is ok too, you be you!! Don't let anyone else tell you what to do.
The Mom:
In our family, our main mantra was, love should be encouraged wherever it is found. Sadly, I have learned through my daughter, that that isn't always the case with all families. The fear is incredibly real. When my daughter came out, I had already had an idea, we were open as a family and ready to embrace the LGBTQIA+ community with open arms. (I was ready to buy the "Momasauraus Rainbow T-Rex t-shirt" and buy my daughter the "Rainbow Baby T-Rex" t-shirt, she told me she would rock it.) on amazon, I think the fear of truly being rejected is a real thing. Honestly, I would ask, what is the worst that could happen with those around you, and would it truly happen? Are you prepared to have the worst happen and can you live with it? What is the very best that could happen? Are you ready for the very best? In my opinion, you share the very real part of you with those who deserve it. Are they deserving of your honesty and your trust?
One of my very favorite movie scenes is in Love Simon when all the teenagers are coming out as heterosexual. It made me seriously laugh. I didn't go up to my mom and explain why I wanted to be with my husband or have to come up with an explanation of why I should be heterosexual. I don't expect my children to have to explain their partners to me. I hope that I did the best I could, raising them to understand their self-worth, and they pick a partner who helps them realize my children's self-worth as well as their own. My suggestion is to find someone who you trust, who is deserving of your honesty and love, perhaps one that you know will support you immediately. I find the more you talk about it, the more that fear dissipates until you have beaten it totally. I think the thing to understand is that not everyone is going to agree with your lifestyle, and that is okay. They have the right to their beliefs, just as you have a right to yours. Surround yourself around people who support and love you, because, in the end, love should be encouraged wherever it is found.
The Grandma:
Dear Coming out:
You have to be incredibly tired - keeping in a “secret” and worrying about people finding out is so exhausting! This all boils down to just one question: Do I come out? Yes or No
This isn’t a decision that has to be made in the next day - but give yourself a deadline to make it. Say for example 30 days..60 days..your birthday...a holiday, etc. (Don’t put it way far in the future though or you’ll never make the decision) Think about it - weigh the pros and cons - make a decision and then get on with your life. No one but you can make this choice.
.
Probably some of the items to take into consideration are:(and my thoughts on it)
Would I be happier, less stressed if I came out? Only you can answer this - but remember the question is WOULD I - IT IS NOT TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. You should be the most important person in your life
Can I accept the fact that if I come out some family, friends, co-workers, etc. may no longer want to be a part of my life? We can hope this doesn’t happen but odds are this will - remember this is THEIR choice - don’t take responsibility or feel bad about it. On the other hand, I know there will be other people/groups/organizations that would be there to support you and you would be meeting and making new friends.
Am I willing to accept the fact that people (some I don’t even know) will judge me? One of the unfortunate things in life is that there are haters. It might be because of race, religion, politics, physical appearance, sexual orientation, any number of things. I don’t care who you are - someone is going to have a reason to not like you. Let it go and move on - who would want to be friends with them anyway.
If I decide to do this - how would I do it? You don’t need to take out a full-page in the newspaper, stand up and make a speech, or hire a skywriter. It might be just as simple as wearing a gay pride shirt and if someone asks if you're gay reply “Yes I am, I thought you knew.” Then smile and let it be. Or if you have a Significant Other, introduce them to someone in your group as your boy/girlfriend. To some of the people in your circle “coming out” will be a surprise, but I also think some of them will be thinking “it’s about time” (these are the “keepers” in your life) Also remember that you can answer questions if you feel like it, if not, tell the asker to let’s talk about this at a later time.
Being over 70 years old this is what I know and how I feel:
Life is short! I think of the famous Shakespear quote “To thine own self be true”. Don’t live a life of fear not only is it exhausting it doesn’t allow you to live your life to the fullest and as I always told my children - It’s a big beautiful world out there - have at it!
People are more focused on themselves than on someone else! When I was younger I thought people were always looking at me - now that I’m older I know that they are focused on their lives, not mine. I might be a blip on their radar screen now and then but people always go back and focus on their own lives.
The shock factor wears off! What might be a shocking announcement one day is an old hat the next day. Just look at the news - can you tell me the headlines from last week?
Remember - tomorrow isn’t promised
Grandma Candee
